Was chatting with 
rosenho
AU for Drone -- What if Lana's creativity to save the Talon hadn't led her to
discover health department violations at the Beanery? That and her offhand
comment about topless waitressing led me to this.
Humor fic and strictly PG, sorry *eg*
Only one day late, happy birthday, Hope!!! *hugs and smooches*
Like all things in Clark's life recently, this situation had started out
innocently enough but had taken a quick turn into the bizarre. Just an offer to
help out a friend, and now, here he stood next to Pete and Whitney, trying to
relax and failing miserably. Lana paced before them, going over the waitering
etiquette and how they could get the best tips from the customers. The vision of
Lana as a drill sergeant just upped the weird factor of the whole thing, which
was weird enough, given that he was wearing jeans shorts, leather sandals ...
and nothing else.
Lana had been completely serious about that topless service thing. But while she
would have needed a special permit for waitresses to go sans blouses, coercing
her boyfriend and male friends to do so avoided that technicality.
Pete looked perfectly comfortable, almost eager to get started. Whitney's
expression fell on the side of resigned, but he didn't seem to take issue with
the whole no-shirt-sandals-for-shoes service, either. Clark, on the other
hand...
Clark wondered if a blush could get stuck in the "on" position
permanently.
He'd barely heard a word Lana had said for the past few minutes, but she stopped
suddenly, eyeing them all in turn like a shipwreck survivor perusing a piece of
drifting wreckage. "You guys ready? I'm going to open for business."
Clark's sympathy for Lana's desperation made him nod, but it took serious effort
to not smack Pete for the enthusiastic "Yippie-kai-ay!" response. Lana
smiled at them all and walked over to the doors.
When the wave of customers came in, mostly high school age girls from the looks
of it (and was that Mrs. Crabtree the piano teacher?), Clark knew he'd dropped
into one of the circles of hell.
~*~
Being swamped by work helped Clark keep his blushing to a minimum. He even
managed to smile at most of the customers, and it seemed that the brighter he
smiled, the larger the tips he received became. That benefit had him smiling
even brighter, relaxing a little even, particularly when he thought about the
1991 Honda that Mr. Bainbridge had in his lawn with a "For Sale" sign
on it. Not having to worry about missing the bus next year would be worth a few
hands slipping fives and tens into the back of his cutoff 501s.
Making his way back to the counter to retrieve another order of coffee and pie
for Sarah Brighton and her friends, Clark saw Pete heading in his direction with
a Cheshire Cat grin on his face. "Coming through, coming through... check
it out, Clarkman..." Following Pete's glance to the five threaded through
his belt. "Lynette Parker tucked me."
Clark chuckled as he cleared his tray into the bussing container. "But will
she respect you in the morning, Pete?"
With a wink, Pete took his filled tray and visually marked a path through the
crowd to his customers. "I don't care about respect so long as she shows me
the money!" Although the Cuba Gooding imitation needed work, it was
passable enough that Clark didn't even bother ragging on him.
A clicking sound drew Clark's attention to his left. Suddenly, his comfort with
the whole topless waiter thing flew out the window. "Chloe! Don't take
pictures, please?"
Chloe lowered the digital camera, smirk firmly planted on her lips. "Too
late." Seeing an abandoned stool at the counter, she quickly snagged it,
setting the camera down and glancing up at him with a brow raised. "You
have a bright future with Chippendales, Clark. All you need is a perky bow tie
and some rhythm."
Clark glowered, turning away with his tray of drinks and pie. "Not funny,
Sullivan."
"No, funny is you trying to dance the Electric Slide. I have pictures of
that, too." Chloe laughed at the glare Clark shot over his shoulder at her,
then appreciated the view as he walked away. Nice legs, great arms, phenomenal
back, and those shorts were doing near criminal things to his ass.
Once the crowd swallowed Clark, Chloe turned to face the counter, grinning at
Lana as she approached. "I owe you, big time. This is blackmail material
for eons."
Lana smiled back and winked. "I'll settle for a nice write up in the next
issue of the Torch."
Chloe laughed and held out her hand, shaking Lana's firmly. "Done. And fix
me a grande when you have a second. I'm going to be here for a while." When
Lana turned to fix the coffee, Chloe spun the stool around again, leering subtly
at Whitney's bared flesh and covertly snapping another picture.
"Coffee, tea, or me?"
Chloe's head snapped around to her left, finding Pete comically leering at her
and flexing. Wow... Pete looked really good without his shirt on... Snapping the
thought out of her head with a laugh and teasing him. "Oh god, where's your
shirt, Pete? Put it on. Put it BACK on!"
~*~
Not being able to park directly in front of the Talon was a rare experience for
Lex. Having to park four blocks away was unheard of, so naturally, his curiosity
sparked to awareness. Covering the sidewalk with long strides, he discovered
upon entering the coffee shop that the parking situation was definitely
attributable to the crowd inside. Considering the building had been practically
vacant for weeks, Lex had to admit a small surge of admiration for whatever
tactic Lana had come up with to draw the sizeable patronage.
Slowly working through the throng towards the counter, Lex stopped mere inches
from colliding with a bare, male back when it straightened from placing drinks
on a table. Finding himself in a rare moment of speechless shock, recognition
warring with instinctive disbelief before he found himself muttering,
"Clark?"
Clark winced. "Oh jeez, Lex." Squinting a little as he turned around,
Clark managed to summon a smile that wouldn't begin to convince anyone he was
perfectly comfortable in his own skin... and little else. Strangely enough, the
blush didn't carry through onto his chest. "Hey... we're, uh... kinda busy,
but I think there's a booth open in the back."
While Lex and Clark spoke, the door of the Talon opened again. Martha led
Jonathan into the packed coffee house, placating him with a hand on his arm and
a voice that would have been softer if the volume of conversation in the room
weren't so pervasive. "We'll only stay a few minutes. I thought it would be
nice if we stopped by and encouraged him, Jonathan. It's a good thing
he's..." Her mouth dropped open when she actually caught a glimpse of Clark
across the room. Her baby boy was... Instinct made her cover Jonathan's eyes
with her hands and turn toward the door. "Maybe we'll come back
later."
Jonathan pulled her hands away, staring down at her with slight annoyance.
"Don't be ridiculous, Martha. We're not coming back into town for that.
We're here now, and I don't care how busy it is, we can say..." Suddenly
suspicious as to why his wife was so anxious to leave. Turning around to scan
the room for his son while continuing to speak, "Clark's a waiter. It's not
like he's..." His voice trailed off into nothing when he saw his son, his
*bare-chested* son, talking to Lex Luthor. "...stripping? What the
HELL?"
Martha placed a calming hand on his arm again. "Jonathan, I'm sure there's
a very good explanation for this that we'll hear all about when Clark gets
home." Trying to drag her husband toward the door, she glanced over her
shoulder at him, then looked over to where Clark was again. Her eyes went
wide... did that girl just smack her son's behind?!
Lex made a valiant effort not to laugh at the flush on Clark's face when a
cheerleader sitting at the table goosed him. Biting it back and raising a brow.
"Clark? Should I even ask what's going on here?" Before Clark could
answer, Lex turned his head, hearing a scuffle near the door. Above the crowd,
Lex saw Jonathan Kent's very red face as he argued with someone. Lex turned his
gaze back to Clark's, smirking not-unkindly. "Better batten down the
hatches. Looks like your father's about to blow." Scooting around Clark,
Lex placed a genial pat on his shoulder, enjoying the feel of nice, nice
muscles, and soft, tan skin before reluctantly letting go. "I'll be in my
office. You might want to duck for cover behind the counter or something."
Lex laughed in earnest when Clark's flush disappeared in a pale wash of panic,
his jaw dropping in shock and moving swiftly to hide behind one of the support
columns. Working his way through the crowd, Lex stopped at the counter. Smiling
at Lana and requesting a latte. "Seems like you've solved the marketing
dilemma."
Lana grinned as she poured the drink. "I got creative, like you said."
Lex smirked, raising one brow as he picked up his coffee. "I also said 'go
to the mattresses'. If the Talon becomes a brothel, I don't want to know about
it." Softening the jibe with a wink, Lex slinked through the crowd to his
office, still laughing under his breath.
~*~
Chloe finished downloading the memory from her camera into her laptop to make
room for more shots. When she scanned the room for Clark, she saw him doing a
bad imitation of a shadow for one of the Talon's decorative columns. She slid
off the stool, making her way over to Clark and reading the expression on his
face. He looked like he felt torn between running off and ducking under a nearby
table. Following his gaze made it easy to determine what was causing the blatant
panic attack. "So... you're reconsidering the wisdom of not telling your
parents about this?"
Clark glanced over at her briefly before his eyes returned to his parents like a
compass to magnetic north. "I'm reconsidering a lot of wisdom right
now." Seeing Pete strutting past, Clark grabbed his arm and pulled him
over, desperately whispering, "Go intercept my mom and dad!"
Pete looked at them for less than a second before turning his head back.
"Are you *nuts*? He looks like he's ready to take off somebody's head!
"Yeah, mine. He has this whole thing about not killing other people's kids.
Come on, Pete!"
Pete sighed heavily and rolled his eyes, starting to move in the direction of
Clark's parents. "You owe me," growled under his breath.
Clark's brow furrowed, jumping slightly when somebody ELSE pinched his butt --
jeez, what is it with these people? -- and calling after Pete. "And don't
flirt with my mom!" Glancing at Chloe, "He'd better not flirt with my
mom."
Chloe tsked at him, shaking her head a little. "When you're desperate for a
rescue, demanding the way it should be delivered is presumptuous. Besides,
flirting is in Pete's nature. It's the one thing he and Lex share in
common."
Clark grinned. "Just for being so smug, I'm going to tell Pete you said
that.
Chloe didn't look in the least bit concerned, firing back immediately. "If
you do, these pictures get uploaded to the internet." Brow raised, an
I-dare-you look if there ever was one, and Clark backed down with a curse under
his breath. Chloe smirked. "Don't worry. It'll all be over soon."
Pinching his ass before darting away, laughing. Hey, if everyone else was doing
it...
~*~
Lex glanced up at the sound of his office door opening and closing with a near
slam. Smiling at Clark, he dropped his pen on the desk. "I don't recall
placing a delivery order."
Clark leaned back against the door, appearing at once relieved and anxious.
"I'm hiding."
"That's good, because I don't think that's part of the Talon's new official
service uniform."
Following Lex's glance to the t-shirt he'd put on before entering the office,
Clark shrugged. "I was getting cold. I think Lana turned the temperature
down or something."
Lex fought off a smirk. He could see the outline of Clark's nipples through the
white cotton. Lana was even better at marketing than he'd realized. "All
the better to sell coffee when it's seventy degrees outside." On the
subject of marketing... "How goes it? Making lots of tips?"
Clark grinned, visibly relaxing. "Yeah. That's been kinda cool. Being
stared at and pinched is a little weird, but the money is nice." Clark
walked over and took the seat in front of Lex's desk. "Even *Chloe* grabbed
me! I made her give me a tip."
Lex chuckled at the satisfied grin on Clark's face. "What'd she give
you?" Smirk growing wider when Clark reached into the front pocket of his
shorts and produced a five, snapping it with a quick jerk. "Very
impressive."
"Mrs. Crabtree gave me a twenty." Clark's grin faded when Lex raised a
brow and started whistling "Mrs. Robinson". Scrunching up his face a
little and replying, "It's not like that, Lex. She's eighty for crying out
loud!"
Lex tilted his head, still smirking. "Just because people get too old to
enjoy a sex drive, that doesn't mean it vanishes, Clark."
"Okay, Lex... ewwww!" And yes, that was definitely a whine.
Before Lex could traumatize him further, the door of the office opened and
Whitney stuck his head inside. "Hey, Kent. Your parents are gone, and we
need you back out here. Get a move on."
Clark stood, removing the t-shirt and dropping it on the chair he vacated.
"Did they say anything?"
Whitney shook his head. "You'll have to ask Ross. I just came to fetch you
before we get any more buried out here."
Clark turned around in the open doorway. "Thanks for the refuge, Lex. I'll
catch you later."
Watching the door close, Lex stood and walked around the desk, picking up the
t-shirt and tossing it between his hands.
All previous thoughts to the contrary, Lex believed Lana Lang was a genius
-- The End --